Football Saturday

All the extended family were sitting in and around my outdoor kitchen/party area on Friday evening. Good food, good fun and good fellowship.

Rev Billy Jack:(looks at me) Have you heard the latest from the youth group?

Me: Alice received a text saying they were overseeing Vacation Bible School for three of the small churches in Brooklyn. At the end of the week when they wrap up their service time, they’ll all get to site see New York City.

Bubba Earl: Man, that would be a lotta fun right about now.

Darla: We can go anytime you want, lover boy.

Flash: Hey, not in front of Rev, he don’t know about this kinda stuff.

Rev: Speak for yourself, dummy.

Flash: Just trying to help out, bro.

Rev: That’s Rev to you. (He smiles at Flash)

Ronnie: The Viking chick and I have tickets to see Metallica up in the big city.

Rev: Viking chick? That’s respectful. This Viking have a name?

Donnie: Donna. I’m always respectful and I didn’t give her that name. Them two heathens did.(points at Bubba Earl and Me)

Bubba Earl: She looks just like those awesome Viking chicks on all those shows we watch. Red head, creamy skin and her legs go from her butt to the ground. If you know, you know.

Me: I know, do you know?(looks at Flash)

Flash: Of course I know.( looks to make sure his wife isn’t paying attention to him.)

Rev: You’re all a bunch of idiots.

Bubba Earl: There was a question about that?

Donnie: We’ll be head banging and I’ll be making a nuisance of myself. I like to dance, what can I tell you.

Ronnie: You look like a wounded water buffalo on a frozen pond when you dance.

Donnie: Like you would know what real dancing is.

Ronnie(looks at Flash) You tell him.

Flash: You look like you have cramps in both legs and you’re taking a deuce in your pants at the same time.

Donnie: Hey, careful now.

Ronnie: Hahaha

Bubba Earl: Hahaha. Y’all remember the dance contest?

Rev: I’m glad we’re all friends here.

Ronnie: I’m his brother. I ain’t gotta be his friend.

Donnie: Yes you do, don’t forget what momma said.

Me: What did momma say?

Bear and Mickey the girl came over, sat down and joined the conversation.

Bear: Watching Donnie dancing was the best thing I’d seen since your buddy, Skinny Kenny, was in town.

Me: What did momma say, Donnie?

Ronnie: Momma said we have to be friends so we don’t bring shame on the family name.

Donnie: Yea, when we would fight as kids, she’d break the Bible out on us. She’d show us verses about taking care of your brother.

Rev: Sounds like she was a great mom.

Ronnie: Yes sir, that she was.

Mickey the girl: I heard you have another fundraiser planned.

Rev: Yes mam I do. I was just waiting for the right moment to get everyone’s attention.

Me: Well you got it. Fundraiser for what or whom.

Rev: We’re gonna help the little missionary Baptist church up the road from us raise the funds so all their “young at heart” group can go to Pigeon Forge and enjoy the mountains.

Bubba Earl: Be sure to get them some of that good ole mountain dew

Mickey: The soda?

Bubba Earl: No sweet cheeks, mountain dew is homemade whiskey.

Me: That’s what Grandpa Jones sang about on Hee Haw back in the day.

Bear: Wow, I didn’t know that. I watch reruns of that show on YouTube.

Flash: 🎶Gloom, despair and agony on me.

Me:🎶 Deep, dark, depression excessive misery

Bubba Earl: 🎶If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all

Rev Billy Jack:🎶 Gloom, despair and agony on me……

Alice: You guys sound pretty good together.

Me: Never thought I’d hear good and pretty in a sentence about me

Bubba Earl: You didn’t. She was talking about me.

Bear. Hahaha

Rev: You guys really are idiots.

Bubba Earl: Again, there was a question about that?

Darla: What’s the deal, Rev?

Rev: Football next Saturday. Rev Billy Jack’s All Stars against the Winoma and Herdtown Volunteer Fire Departments. Flag football and that means only flag football. I know how you heathens get when you play tackle football.

Ronnie: We only have fun, it ain’t our fault that some folks are breakable.

Donnie: Didn’t you break something last time we played, Bear?

Bear: Two fingers and tore the ligament in my elbow. Mickey the girl made it all better, though.

Bubba Earl: Yea, I bet she did.

Rev: And on that note I’m leaving. Practice Monday and Tuesday after work. No refreshments until practice is over.

Ronnie: Someone needs to explain we’re union workers.

Me: Shut up, Ronnie.

Donnie: Yea meathead, shut up.

Ronnie: What’d I tell you about name calling?

Donnie: That you’ll cry if someone calls you names, Princess?

Bubba Earl: Sticks and stones. Save it for the game.

Me: Speaking of the game, y’all know Buford and Kay are part of the Herdtown volunteers.

Bear: I heard, this is like fourth hand, but I heard Jimmy Joe and Imogene Horton have been going to that church. They supposed to be getting serious.

Bubba Earl: Get out with that gossip. I ain’t seen their names on a prayer list lately.

Me: You know Ima said if she found the right man, she’d settle down.

Bear: I didn’t think Jimmy Joe was tough enough but I’ve been wrong before.

Me: About a lot of things.

Bear: And just who do you think you are?

Mickey the girl: Your boss, baby.

Bubba Earl: Yea, your boss baby(blows a raspberry at him)

Me: Yea, what she said

Bear: Signer of the monthly paycheck? Then I guess you’re correct, boss.

Bubba Earl: Great answer. Hahaha

Me: I only hire intelligent people.

Ronnie: Him?

Mickey: Excuse me?

Bubba Earl: She carries a gun, think real hard before you answer her.

Right at this moment, Brenda, Donna the Viking chick, Alice and Cathy came to sit with us.

Me: Hey Brenda, long time no see.(I then kissed my wife and daughter as I was moving over to make room for all three on the couch.)

Brenda: Hey everyone.( She looks at Ronnie) And you are?

Ronnie: A big hunk of man is who I am.

Bubba Earl: Dang it Ronnie, warn a man before saying that. I threw up in my mouth a little.

Cathy: That’s gross, Uncle Bubba.

Darla: Yea, Uncle Bubba that’s gross.

Brenda: I sold Momma’s house, so I’ll be your new neighbor in about a week. I bought the Morgan property up the road. The realtor said my neighbors are cops. They’re building the house next to me.

Me: This is your neighbors, Mickey the girl and husband Bear.(Brenda walks over and shakes their hands) Mickey the girl is a sheriff’s deputy.

Flash(grabbed a chair for he and Marlene and sat with us) She’s a hero and Bear is , what exactly are you again?

Bear: Keep it up

Donna the Viking: He’s a nice man who makes my best friend happier than I’ve ever seen her.

Bubba Earl: Isn’t that sweet. So Donna, you really don’t know anything about him, do ya? Haha

Mickey: What have I told you about that?

Ronnie: She carries a gun Bubba Earl, think long and hard before you answer.

Brenda: Alice, are the boys still as dumb as they used to be?

Alice: Yes mam, that hasn’t changed any.

Ronnie: Brenda, I’m the smartest one in this group so you just need to stare into my beautiful eyes and not worry about the rest of the heathens.

Bubba Earl: What’d I tell you about surprising me with that crap, Ronnie.

Donnie: I don’t know why y’all can’t figure out he’s the biggest idiot in this county.(Donnie kissed Donna and sat next to her)

Me: Yea, Brenda. Twins. Two idiots for the price of one.

Cathy: Pop! These are our guests. Be nice.

Ronnie & Donnie: Yea Pop!(both grinning like the cat that ate the canary)

Me: Brenda, please stare in his eyes before his ignorance gets him killed or worse.

Ronnie: There’s something worse than death?

Donnie: First thing comes to mind is staring in your eyes all night.

Brenda: So Ronnie, what will we name our kids?

Bubba Earl: I’ve always loved this woman. She makes the world a better place.

Donnie: Can I name your first offspring?

Ronnie: We ain’t even got married yet and we already naming kids.

Brenda: I figure we’ll be married before the end of the year but I do like to be sweet talked.

Donnie: He likes taking orders.

Darla: He does?

Bubba Earl: Brenda, he was a snake eater. Gotta be careful around crazy people like that.

Cathy: Ew. You ate snakes?

Ronnie: Sometimes little darling, you do what you gotta do.

Brenda: Can’t wait for our first date. Maybe we’ll take a hike in the woods.

Donnie: My brother can take a hike..

Darla: Be nice

Alice: Donnie, you be nice.

Donna the Viking: Uh Oh, you done it now, big boy.

Donnie: You’re my woman, take up for me.

Me: Don’t take up for him. As a Viking goddess, you’re above helping peons like him.

Bubba Earl: Yea, what he said.

Alice: Viking goddess?

Me: If you know, you know. Ain’t that right Flash?

Flash(who had been ignoring us while sweet talking his smoking hot wife) Leave me outta this.

Bubba Earl: But you said you know that you know, remember?

Marlene: You know what?

Flash: A lot of things like how to stay out of conversations that don’t concern me.

Bubba Earl: Stand up for a second Donna, please.

Donna(stood up) What?

Ronnie: To the ground

Donnie: Have mercy

Darla:(to Bubba Earl) Not one word.

Alice(looking at me) You either, hotshot.

Me: I don’t respond well to threats you know.

Alice:(whispers in my ear)

Me: Except that one. I got nothing to say.

Mickey the girl: Hahahaha

Brenda: In this day and age y’all still say that? I’m surrounded by idiots.

Donna the Viking: I’m lost.

Mickey the girl: (whispers in Donna’s ear) Understand?

Donna:(blushes)

Donnie: Let me give you a hug. It’ll be ok.(he’s grinning like a jackal)

The rest of the weekend went great as well as the work week. Practices on Monday and Tuesday went completely off the rails each day. Flash put money on us to lose. So did Donnie. I asked wasn’t that illegal but I figured it was a sure bet. I plan to sell them out to Rev Billy Jack once they were paid so they couldn’t enjoy their ill gotten gain.

The big day was upon us. The high school allowed us to use the practice field since it was actually not on campus. That way they had no liability when ,not if ,someone got hurt.

Bubba Earl, and Darla were game captains. Sure enough, Jimmy Joe and Imogene Horton was the topic of conversation. They were engaged and would get married at the end of the month. Their honeymoon would be a trip to Merchantville, Louisiana to go gator hunting. When I heard that I was not surprised. That sounded like something Ima would enjoy.

Bubba Earl: We call heads.

Referee Bob the mayor: And tails it is.

Billy Joe: As captain of the Herdtown Herd we will receive the ball.

Bubba Earl: The Herd? Really? That’s about as original as….

Darla: Hush up, we haven’t even started playing yet and we’ll get a penalty.

Billy Joe: I got you in my sights big boy.

Darla: Excuse me? You gotta a death wish?

Bubba Earl: I’m so bad I have women fighting my fights Junior.

Billy Joe: Good luck Bubba Earl and you too mam.

After each team had the ball once without doing much, Flash intercepted a pass and returned it to the Herd’s 35 yard line.

Me: Alright, we hitting them quick like. Donnie and Ronnie will run to the end zone, Flash you follow Doonie and break back at the 10, Darla you run to the 30 and turn around.

Bubba Earl: Be careful, Jimmy Joe is sneaky fast and Buford is just plain good.

Flash: I’ll fake Buford outta his shoes, he won’t know what hit him.

Me: Just catch the ball first hero.(as we broke huddle) Darla, keep your eyes open, the ball is coming your way.

Alice: I’m still the center?

Me: Yes you are and the view is lovely.

Alice: Hush, you’re embarrassing me.

Donnie: Yea hush up Pop!

Me: Keep it up big boy

I threw the pass to Darla and she ran to the end zone like she stole it. On the other side of the field, Flash tried to fake Buford out and he mostly did. Buford thought he caught the pass and forevermore put him on the ground. A NFL coach would’ve been impressed. Flash was on his side trying to get a breath. Donnie saw what happened about the same time as Ronnie.

Me: Oh crap, go break’em up Bubba Earl

Bubba Earl: Already on it boss

Donnie: I can’t beat on him, you sure as heck ain’t gonna do it.

Ronnie: Stop Donnie, just hang on.

Buford: I wasn’t thinking about his injuries. Honest.

Donnie jumped on Buford and two sure enough war waging veterans tied up. There was fist, knees and feet being used. The blood was flowing. When they broke apart for a second, Bubba Earl and Ronnie jumped them and broke it up. Referee Bob came over and threw Buford and Donnie out of the game. I helped Flash to the bench where the lady folks would fawn over him. Buford came over and apologized to Flash and Flash said it was ok. The women, on the other hand, were a little less forgiving. Marlene told him what she went through and started crying. This really made Buford feel bad. Even his own wife was not too happy. She sat with Marlene until she stopped crying. It was a tense moment when Marlene walked over to where Buford was standing. None of us knew what would happen. She surprised us all when she hugged him and said all was forgiven. You could tell it took a big load off of him. After a few minutes he and Flash were having a toddy together like friends do.

Donnie: That was bull crap.

Me: It’s over and done with, let it go.

Donnie: He shouldn’t have hit him like that. He just now been feeling like himself again. We’re supposed to be going whitewater rafting in a couple of weeks.

Ronnie: You got pay back with your little fight y’all had. You know we have a honor code we live by. Don’t fight with family.

Me: It’s okay Ronnie. Your brother just reacted to the situation, no harm no foul. I mean, look at them over there. They’ll be polluted by the time the game’s over.

Cathy: Momma says I have to hike the ball now, since she’s taking Flash’s place.

Me: Ok, little girl, you’re the key to timing so do a good job. Ronnie- post pattern, Donnie go for the flag, Alice run to the middle of the field and Darla do what you did earlier.

Kay: I’m in for Buford, and I’ll guard Alice.

John David -The Herd’s best player: Imogene, play the middle of the field and don’t let anyone behind you.

Imogene: This is stupid. Hey Jimmy Joe, let’s go coon hunting tonight. It’ll be magical, snuggle bunny.

Me: Oh man, did she just say what I think she just said?

Bubba Earl: I just threw up in my mouth.

Cathy: Uncle Bubba!! That’s so gross. Don’t try to kiss Aunt Darla with that mouth. Ew, yuck a pooey Louie. Gross!!

Me: Hahaha

Bubba Earl: Out of the mouth of babes.

Darla: You heard the woman, no kisses for you(blows a kiss at him)

Ronnie: Y’all are grossing me out.

Me: Hey Brenda, don’t be loving on him. He says it’s gross.

Brenda: That’s so sad. All this exercise is putting me in a mood.

Ronnie: Please Dawg, shut up. You’re killing me, man. (to Brenda) Baby, you’re not gross, you’re beautiful. I love making out with you.

Me: That’s not what he said to us, Brenda.

Flash(hollered from the sidelines) Hey Ronnie!! Have you told Brenda you don’t like making out with girls, pretty or otherwise?

Ronnie: Oh man, I’m on y’all side. Why are you doing this to me?

Me:Hahahaha

Flash & Donnie: Hahahaha. Whoo boy, gonna be lonely at the drive in theater tonight! Hahahahahaha

The Herd won the game by a little bit but the real winners were Imogene Horton and Jimmy Joe. We all kicked in a handful of hundred dollar bills to pay for the honeymoon. Bubba Earl tried to get Imogene to kiss Flash. Marlene,Flash’s smoking hot wife, threaten to kill Bubba Earl, and Buford said he’d help. Darla told Buford to go back to drinking with Flash before he got into anymore trouble. It was a great day in our neighborhood.

I told my wife that Possum had informed me that we had jobs on different coasts, so I would be sending Bear to Oregon and I would be heading to Maine. She told me she would fly to Boston and I could meet her there for a short vacation. And that was a weekend neither one of us would forget.

That’s a story for another day

Until next time.